The resolution of all our life issues starts with presence and in relationship it is no different, but there is a specific kind of presence that is called for in relationships and this is called differentiation. Differentiation is the ability to be connected with yourself while connected deeply with others, and also of course with the infinite. Differentiation can be learnt in various ways, and is most commonly simply picked up by being around others who have that presence, but there are a few exercises that you can do to learn this.
Having learnt to be present your next step is to make sure that you are not hurting each other. Love is created by joy, so you need to create joy. You need to follow the 5 basic principles of no harm in relationships
- no aggression
- no disrespect
- no demands
- no dishonesty
- no independent behaviour
The next step will be to create positive experiences together. To do this you will have to learn to negotiate win-win solutions. See my article on negotiation.
There are 5 basic areas of positive experience that we all need to different levels and in different ways. Start with the ones that are most important to you and the ones most important to your partner
- Communication – honesty and deep listening
- Admiration – being attractive and admirable, and showing your admiration
- Play – doing enjoyable things with each other and with the children
- Work – financial support and help around the house
- Lovemaking – affection and sex